These ideas on how to help a friend cope with the death of a child are sadly inspired by a six year old boy who recently drowned in a creek in my neighbourhood in North Vancouver. These tips are geared towards people like me, who have no idea what to say or do, but who want to honour the loss and the grief.
I don’t know the family who lost their son, but my heart breaks for them – and their friends, neighbours, classmates, and relatives. I can’t imagine how shocking and tragic it would be to cope with such a sudden death of a child. One minute he’s there and life is as usual…and the next minute he’s gone.
The unusual thing about the death of this child is that he was saved from a near drowning in a pool a year ago. He was rescued by a man whose own son died three years earlier, who is now devastated by the death of this boy. It makes me wonder about life and death. Maybe sometimes God or fate or the universe deems it’s our time to go, and there’s nothing we can do to prevent it.
Does it make it easier to believe the death of this or any child is “meant to be”? I don’t know – but I do know that loss is painful and difficult to accept, even if we believe in a glorious life after death. I hope these ideas help you help a friend cope with a child’s death. At the very least, I hope you feel less alone here.
Helping a Friend Cope with a Child’s Death
If you feel angry or judgmental, put your feelings aside. The death of this child in North Vancouver is especially tragic because of his past near-drowning experience. I believe many people – myself included – are wondering why this boy wasn’t watched more closely. He wandered away from his home, and was found in the creek. In this case, it may be natural to feel angry and want to blame the parents. The parents themselves may blame themselves and feel incredibly guilty about the death of their child. But, the best way to help them – and anyone coping with a child’s death – is to put aside all feelings of anger, frustration, and blame. Acknowledge your feelings, then put yourself in their shoes.
Learn how grief affects people – forever. I found a passage on grieving the death of a child that may help those of us who have never lost a young family member understand what it’s like: “My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.” – Jandy Nelson, The Sky is Everywhere.
Let your friend grieve in her own way. Not everyone can cope with the death of a child by “living with daring and spirit and joy”, like the author above wrote. No parent will ever be the same after the death of a child, and the grief will never end. There are complicating factors – many parents will feel guilty about the death of a child. Help your friend cope by letting her grieve her way.
Read about what it’s like to cope with the death of a child. In Life After the Death of My Son: What I’m Learning, Dennis Apple describes what it’s like to lose a son. The experience of and grieving after a child’s death is different for everyone, but you can help your friend cope by learning how some people experience this type of loss. Don’t compare your friend’s grief or journey with other people’s. Just learn how different people cope with death.
Offer healthy options for grieving. It may be too soon to give your friend books or other resources on coping with the death of a child, but you might start looking through the possibilities now. Give your friend a gift basket (she’ll be getting lots of casseroles and other types of perishable food – a gift basket will outlast the homecooked food), and include a book like When The Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter.
If you aren’t sure what type of gift to give a grieving friend, read 10 Sympathy Gifts for Coworkers.
For more thoughts on how to help a friend cope with the death of a child, read Coping With Life After Someone You Love Commits Suicide.
If you have any thoughts on helping a friend cope with the death of a child, please share below.
1 comments On How to Help a Friend Cope With the Death of a Child
Part of living a long life is the experience of letting go when our loved ones transition before us. Our parents, spouses, siblings, closest friends and even, God forbid, our children may all pass on ahead of us, it’s painful to say the least, it can be torture to say these goodbyes. We struggle to survive it. We struggle to go on with our lives, fumbling, grasping for ways to cope with the loss, and to still find reasons to get out of bed each day.
Through the baptism of pain and struggle, and many tears, we discover new strengths and with each life changing adjustment we inevitably gain wisdom.
In the bittersweet aftermath of death, we often realize we now possess a profound and abiding gratitude for all these loved ones contributed to our lives. It registers just how that love and closeness has shaped us into the person we are now, and how without them our path may not have taken it’s unique trajectory. We also know that we carry their spirit with us as we continue life’s journey. As hard as it is, we learn to be brave, and somehow we muster the strength to go on, trusting we honor them in the process of doing so, keeping their memory ever near. Trusting that love is an eternal tie that binds.
I find comfort in this one simple truth. Love never dies, it is eternal. I hope that the ones i leave behind believe it as strongly as i do. We come into this world alone and we leave it the same way, it is the space in between that’s meant to be shared and all any of us can do is try to do that in the best way possible, cultivating strong bonds. Loving deeply and completely until we ourselves perish.