Aug 262013
 

You have no choice but to leave some relationships behind. Here’s how to let go of someone you love, to help you heal and move forward in your life.

letting go of love

“How to Let Go of Someone You Love” ebook

When I wrote 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching when your partner leaves. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. I believe learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

These tips are inspired by a reader who asked for help detaching and letting go of someone she cares about (her husband), even though he’s not quite “gone” yet. Here’s part of her email: “My husband of 3 years is planning to leave me without an explanation,” says Michelle (not her real name). “He is in a band and tours every now and then, but that has never been a problem till this tour… within a week of being on this tour he started distancing himself. No calls, hardly any replies to my messages on Facebook. I want to know how to let go of someone you love because I believe he will leave me.  How do I start over?”

In this post on letting go of someone you love, I focus on reconnecting with the most important person in your life: you. In my “letting go of someone you love” ebook, I offer more in-depth information.

5 Tips for Letting Go of Someone You Love

It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy. Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days.

1. Accept that you did the best you could in your relationship. Don’t waste your time or energy feeling guilty or bad about the choices you made in your relationship. You did the best you could, you loved as much as you were able. No matter what you did or didn’t do in your relationship, it ended — and it probably would have ended regardless. If you want to be happy and healthy – which involves learning how to let go of someone you love – you need practice acceptance.

2. Decide what needs to change in your life. You have to actively decide you want to let go of someone you love.  Who do you want to be? Where do you want to live, work, love, play, and laugh? Instead of mourning the fact that you have to start over because your relationship ended, I want you to try celebrating it. Stop focusing on your ex and the pain. Instead, focus on the excitement of a new beginning and fresh start. I know it’s easier said than done – especially if your husband left you for another woman – but it’s better for you in the long run.

letting go of someone you love3. Accept your lack of control. To let go of someone you love, you need to accept that you can’t control many things in your life. You can’t control who loves you, who leaves you, who helps you, who betrays you. You can’t control your neighbourhood, the traffic, the weather, or the economy. Of all the things you want to change in your life, remember that you can’t change people. You can sometimes change circumstances, and you can change your attitude and response to events and people…but you can’t change your husband, children, coworkers, neighbours, or family members.

If you need a more step-by-step approach to letting go of someone you love, read How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson.

4. Tap into your soul – start over spiritually. The happiest people are those who are in touch with their spirits. Adding spirituality to your life not only makes you feel better emotionally, it improves your physical health. Tap into your soul by meditating, praying, taking time to really listen to your heart, reading Scripture or other soulful books, and talking to people about spiritual matters. The end of a relationship – when you’re trying to let go of someone you love – is a perfect time to start getting back into your spiritual life.

letting go of someone you love

“How to Let Go of Someone You Love” image by Laurie

5. Get outside help on how to let go of someone you love. A life coach, counselor, financial adviser, or even a professional organizer can help you let go and move on. Whether you should hire a life coach or talk to a counsellor depends on your situation. If you’re struggling with self-identity, major life changes, fear, anxiety, depression, or your marriage – then I encourage you to talk to a counsellor. Therapists can provide objective feedback and guidance that our friends and family can’t offer. If you have money problems, financial advisers can help you become financially independent. Professional organizers can help you declutter — which can improve your physical and mental health!

Here’s another article I recently wrote on how to let go of someone you love: How to Get Over a Bad Breakup.

I hope these tips on how to let go of  someone you love help. Please feel free to share your story below. I can’t offer advice, but it often helps to write your thoughts and feelings, even if you feel embarrassed or ashamed.

It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you cared deeply for is a process that takes time. I recommend  75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love, and encourage you to read one or two tips every day. Let yourself heal gradually, and grieve your loss. Don’t expect to be happy overnight! It’ll take time and work, but if you take it slow and steady, you’ll find yourself coming out of the tunnel of darkness.

Summary
Article Name
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
Author
Description
Five tips on how to let go of someone you love, plus the most common mistakes people make when letting go of love.
laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen (but I wish my name was Rosie Frost!). I'm a bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer. My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher, Mr Merritt, always used to ask me that. And I am happy - despite a difficult childhood (schizophrenic mother, no father, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian.

How is your life unfolding - what do you need? I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion.... Laurie

  91 Responses to “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”

  1. A week ago my husband walked out on me and our two kids. It hurts so much. I’m 25 and he’s 28. I think what’s hurts the most is that he left us and went back to his ex who put him in prison for 2 years. And now he wants nothing to do w our 3 year old daughter and 6 month old son. He won’t talk to me and I love him w all my heart. I have known him for twenty years. And he was my nest friend. Halloween would have.been our 2 year anniversary. I just wish he would tell me y he left us. If not for me then for the kids. It feels.somedays like I just can’t keep going without him. And where we live I literally have no on no family,friends,no one I’m completely alone.here. I have no one to talk to about anything and he knows that he left me w two kids no home and no money to care for the kids and he refuses to help me at all. Worst part is I still love him completely and just. Want him to come back home to us.

    • Hi Teena…. I’m so sorry for your situation, but I understand your deep sadness because I’ve been going through a similar experience. My fiancee and I split after 3 years together, I helped raise her 2 daughters, helped her get a house, filled it with furniture…. I thought we were just taking a break, but, 2 weeks later, she moved her ex into OUR house!! Now she tells me she hates me, and never wants to see me again…. I can’t see the kids anymore, my dogs, anything, and it has damn near killed me. Even though it was a toxic relationship, I still miss and love her… so, believe me, I feel your pain.
      Please just know that youre not alone in this, and that there are others out there that are suffering in the same way….. stay strong and know that this WILL pass, and you WILL be a stronger person for it!!
      If he would do that to you AND your kids, he is definately NOT a good man, and you will be much better off without him in the long run.
      Keep your chin up and focus on your kids, that’s your best bet!! :-)

      • I met a gal in 2011 and I think we fel in love but it was too fast. I was lonely and she needed a place to stay so at the time the 2 things made sense so we acted on it and she moved into my home. Its always good at 1st then you start finding out things about a person that’s when the doubts creep in. I believe we loved each other but their was something missing which to this day Ill never figure out.

        Im a very loving guy and have been thru many relationships, but this one was different.
        Thru the time we were together cant honestly feel her heart was into it and she would act out for no reason, when that happened I walked away down the street for awhile trying to figure out what was going on “This had went on several times after she had moved in” Then Id come back hoping she would treat me better so we could get along.

        After she acted out would always come to me and say “Im sorry and am not perfect. I would say yes dear no ones perfect, but Id like to hear what your sorry for, 90% of the time she had no answer so the problem kept going on. “Hence” I knew what was going on but wanted her to tell me so hopefully she could figure it out herself. Well this went on for about 3 -4 months and things started to smooth out.

        About 3/4 way into the relationship I started hearing things that were hurtful but didn’t make a big deal, but it still hurt and Id shut it up inside. Their were days when things happened and wed call each other ugly names “not good” and think that’s when things started going down hill. Xmas was horrible and some bad stuff happened, no violence just more acting out and name calling from both of us. She had been unemployed for about 6 months and was probibly feeling bad so I had approached her couple times re-affirming my love for her and had asked her couple times if she knew and could accept someone could give her the love I wanted to give hoping it would help. To make a long story short one day I ask her point blank if she could accept and was aware someone could really love her and if she could love her self, and her shocking answer was no.

        After that we started seeing a counselor at my request so we did but didn’t keep going like we should have. Bad feeling and things just kept happening so I fianally told her look, weve been going together for a year and the cant get it together! in that case I know were both unhappy so you might start looking for a place to live, and that’s what happened and weve been broken up since this spring with no contact. Im still very much in love with this person and feel bad she has problems and was acting out….Dear Lord forgive us both and help this women to figure herself out.

        Finally she found a job and thought things would smooth out,

  2. This is a little different than the other comments here other than I know this pain, it is the worst suffering there is. When we find someome and both are soooooooooooo sure that what they have is unique and it will last forever and beyond forever and in my case not even an atom of doubt and ditto for him. So sure were we both. He proved this, sacrificed so much, no liie, me too, i sacrified, believing this was on some higher level than all others ever before or in the future. The perfect match, etc, etc, etc. .

    So HOW can such seemingly 100000% sincere love STOP? If it is LOVE true love not lust not for money not for anything nothing to gain, finding your soul mate, making the two COMPLETE….well. sorry…this along with Santa and the tooth fairy is nothing but a social construct that is NOT universal, many cultures do not have ‘particular friendships or love for just one other, instead they love everyone in their community, and would say that such hanging on and more than a couple tears they would be a sign of mental illness which according to Freud it IS a (most happy) form of psychosis that has most people behave in insane ways, such as total focus on the beloved, and willing to do ANYTHING for the beloved. Mine told me he would go to prison for me and he being a CLEAN top clearance member of a country’s super secret super pc work to protect the nation from terrorists etc and extremely stable, responsible, NORMAL, and honest so for him to tell me he would go to prison for me (not that i will ever go to one lol) but this was more fervant for him than even saying he would DIE for me…

    Love, human love is selfish, u disagree all u want but be honest, your beloved makes u feel wonderful so of course u want to do the same and so if is mutual symbiosis that will end…sooner of later. and the pain is not the real you but that EGO that u mistakenly are certain is you this causes your suffering. Not that this helps so much, for i have no idea how to divorce yourself from your ego beliefs. Perhaps try to take a step or two back and take on the role of THE OBSERVOR of ur pain divorce just for a few moments and this might ease your pain. For such notions that he or she is THE ONLY one in the world for you or Your will NEVER love again…step back listen to yourself….see how silly this notion is with how many billions of ppl on this earth. No one is that important he or she is not THE ONE no one is…reach out stop this withdrawal inward obsession for it will end for you to might take a decade, do not waste your life this way…ironic thing is, once u have made that SHIFT virtually every time and for me this secretly is the worst of losing such a love for in truth eventually he or she will be about as interesting to you as some stranger u sit on the bus with or is the checker at supermarket when u go buy milk. If this beloved phones or happens to ring your doorbell without u knowing they were coming, when u open the door u will feel nothing at all, or worse, u will be in a hurry and be annoyed that someone rang your bell when u were running late. This is the horirble thing that I have feared, thing is once it DDOES happen u do NOT care so doesnt matter u fear it will happn for like death it comes to us all so to fear the DEATH of any relationship is as the primitive people believe and Freud too not worth more than a single tear if that.

    I shall tell u how FAKE all HUMAN love is…I was first born child i was i have been told loved soooooooooooooo much by my father the APPLE OF HIS EYE got so much love from him SINCERE MOST GENUINE LOVE for first 2 yrs of my life i was BATHED in LOVE true love then my mother informed him he was NOT my biological father….so SUDDEN DEATH OF so called ‘love’ for a two yr old. So human love is not love at all just selfish need being met, obviously. Best thing is ultimate love, uncondititonal love this IS love not this silly coooooooooooo coooooooooooo THRILL u are ADDICTED to. Sorry, but hope this helps u see all of u are moaning and suffering over somethig that made u feel good just as a junkie feels good with his dope. In the end it isnt so much fun not for u not for the junkie. Think about this and do NOT think me cruel for this sort of comment, for my INTENT is honest and genuine love for u for all. I am not some so called enlightened being i am the same as anyone else i shalllove again and i wont get all suspicious and not love again and chances are i will get hurt again….but as the old saying goes better to have loved and lost than never have loved or been loved at all. Just as we grieve the loss of our beloved doggies and kitties who mostly die before we do so too with a husband wife bf gf father mother etc…be happy for the time u had such feelings how u made them feel wonderful and vice versa do not judge…never judge…it is all one big dance enjoy it shed a tear of two then celebrate that time together and look forward to a brand new beginning for u and u will smile and uwill find love anew…guaranteed have this atttitude not only will it keep ur in love of now longer wihtout fear of loss but the new ones will come and only get better!:)

  3. Hi Keo,

    That’s a great question, about my husband and me! When we were friends for the 17 years, I didn’t know he was the one I’d marry, but I knew that he was a loving, kind, responsible, dedicated, gentle, wonderful man. I didn’t want to date him because I knew he was “the marrying type”, and I just wasn’t ready to get married.

    So, I think you nailed it with your option two :-) I needed to grow and learn and get settled into my mind, personality, emotions, and body. I needed to grow up! Thankfully, when I was finally ready to commit to marriage, he was single and ready to commit, too.

    It was God. I see that now, looking back on my life. I believe Bruce and I were meant to be together, but it was a long road, of acceptance and trust and just living in faith.

    If people don’t take the time to discover themselves, grow, reflect, and get ready to be in a relationship, then the relationship will at best be difficult. At worst, it will fail…and it will cause so much pain to innocent bystanders – such as your children.

    My thoughts for you are to let her go, let her do her thing. Heal. Be open to any possibility. Think about your spirituality, your relationship with a Higher Power, and letting go of the need to have control in your life.

    In peace and passion,
    Laurie

    • Hi Laurie,

      Thank you for all your great insight. I’m trying to take it all to hear and apply it so I can move on from it all. I guess what I struggle with is I don’t feel like I have closure because I don’t feel like our story is over or complete. In my previous relationships, with the exception of my first real girlfriend, I always knew it was over when it was over and never dated anyone twice. So I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time removing myself from her and our relationship.

      And she told me that she still loves me, but is not in love with me anymore at this point. Is it possible to fall in love with the same person again? Or is it once that feeling is gone it’s gone? She said she’s not closing the door on possibly being together again in the future, but she has a lot to figure out. And she said she’d like me to be in her life but we didn’t really figure out in what capacity.

      What’s a guy to do?

  4. My heart is beyond broken. 8 years ago I met the woman of my dreams. I was 27 and she was 29. Before I met her I had many relationships, but none of them ever felt ‘right’. When I met her I had a feeling inside me that I had never felt before. I cherished every moment we spent together. After 6 months she left me for one of my very good friends. That was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I loved her so much, more than I could ever explain, and it felt like I was torn in half when that happened. She ended up moving in with him, and I tried to move on. After a year or so of heart ache I tried dating again, but she never really left my mind. The only time I would contact her was to say happy birthday once a year. I ended up in a relationship with someone for 3 years, but I was not in love at all. So I finally ended that relationship. A Lot of the time at night I would say a little prayer asking for my ex to come back to me. Well a few years ago she started emailing me and telling me that she was sorry about what she did and wished she could change it. She broke up with the other guy and we started going out for coffee, and hanging out a bit. As soon we did that I felt so happy, I thought this time it’s going to work. So we started dating again for the last 7-8 months. For the last few days she has been distant and I have had the worst feeling inside. I asked her today if we need to talk about something, and she pretty much said that it’s over. I’m so hurt. I love this girl more than I can explain. And now I have to go through all the pain of loosing her again. I’m not sure how I can do it. The last time was almost the end of me. I was hospitalized for a week for dehydration and mental evaluation. I couldn’t deal with the pain It hurts so much. She is so beautiful and precious to me.

    • I feel for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      My husband left me after 12 years together. I never had a heart break in my life. He always made me feel that he loved me so much but it was all a lie. This is my first heartbreak and,let me tell you. It’s a killer. I love him so much yet he has moved on with OW and seems to have forgotten me. It hurts so bad and I’m still grieving. It has been a year since he left. Sometimes I wonder if I can go on one more day without him by my side. But what to do? I can’t control it and I just have to go on living…even if I don’t want to without him.

      I just can’t trust anyone anymore because I trusted him way too much and I was betrayed. Your post, however, gives me hope. Maybe there are men out there that truly love? Maybe you are one of them. :-)

      • Hi my name is rory I’m 26. I truly love my ex with all my heart. I was with her for 10 years and she left me for some1 she works with. I’ve never cheated on her ever because she meant so much to me and she did me so wrong. I know what your going through trust me I felt like giving up on life I didn’t want to talk to any1 or be around any1 after she left me heart broken. It’s been a month and a half sence she left me and I cry everyday I feel like I’ll never love another girl like I loved her she was my first and I was her first love. I don’t think ill ever get over her. But there are people out there that will truly love you They are just super hard to fine I guess. I pray all the time that me and my ex will get back together I’ve been so stressed out I’ve hyperventilated 3 times and my hands feet and face went numb and my hands locked up on me. I just hope I can stay strong going through this. and you need to also stay strong life is to short to live it sad and I hope over time I’ll get better and I hope you also get better but If you need some1 to talk to just send a message back. Because I do understand what your going through

        • Hi Rory,
          I am going through the same! It’s been a month and a half too my boyfriend had broke up with me! I know how it feels the pain, believe I still have it, but lesser now because of GOD. Pray a lot, ask Him to take your pain. Me too sometimes I still cry, but the only way is to force yourself to let go. That’s the only way to lessen the pain and I am still in the process of it, but believe me it works. Especially when we gave it to GOD!

      • Your story is so close to mine it’s scary!! The same thing happened to me, I was shocked and devastated. The only difference is we have two small children together. I am determined that they will know what real love looks like and feels like in everything I do for them. My family is a great help and he is a hands on dad with our children. I refuse to be bitter for the sake of my children but I so wish that I never had to see him again and move on with my life. I am not one to have a lot of men in and out of my children’s lives as they are young – both under eight. My faith and belief that He will never give me more than I can handle is my salvation.

    • Hello dear. The mistake that we make as human beings is to let history repeat itself. That lady left you for one of your friends, what made you think she would change? Let her go and live your life. She realised that you cannot do without her that is why she is laying you. Myself i am a young um who is dumed by her baby daddy. It is not easy but i am trying to live day as it comes. Everything hapens for a reason

  5. Dear Keo,

    It sounds like your girlfriend isn’t ready to settle down yet. She wants to date, be light, be free, and enjoy life without the commitment of a relationship! This is very painful for you, I know…but it’s the best thing for her. I think it’s healthy not to commit to a long-term relationship while in your 20s, because there’s so much living and getting to know yourself to do!

    I married my husband when I was 35; we were close friends for 17 years before we got married. I couldn’t date him because I wasn’t ready to settle down. I wanted to be free! And, I needed to grow up and be more mature before I got married – or even commited to a long term relationship.

    If you truly love your girlfriend, you will let her go. She has made a decision for herself that she believes is healthy and good. I’m sorry that it hurts you – and I believe she does not want to cause you pain! But she has to do what is right for her.

    It’s possible she’ll come back to you. You may not have to wait for 17 years like my husband did (!), but trust me…if you let her go and she comes back to you, you will both cherish your new relationship.

    In peace,
    Laurie

    • Hi Laurie,

      Thank you for the reply. I’m still going through the heeling process and still searching for answers to questions that may not even have any answers. All I’ve been hearing is about is letting go and if it’s meant to be it will be. I get that she has a lot of growing and self-discovering today. And I think so do I. Reflecting on it now there were things we could have done differently. Lessons learned.

      You mentioned you knew your husband for 17 years before you married him. I guess my question to you is that during that time did you know he would be the one but you knew you just weren’t ready or was it more like I’m going to live my life until I know I’m ready to be committed to someone and there he was all along? Hopefully that was clear enough.

      Thanks.

      Keo

  6. Dear KKK,

    Maybe you’re still in the “grieving” stage, and you can’t stop crying because you still need to process and mourn your loss. It takes a longer time for some people to let go, while others are better able to bounce back quickly.

    If you’re still crying all the time in another month, maybe you need to talk to a counselor. You might be dealing with something other than the breakup. Rather, the breakup may have triggered a deeper, more painful experience that you’re having trouble getting over. Does this make sense?

  7. Dear Monica,

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, especially for your children. I pray for healing, faith, and love even thought your marriage is over. I pray for your relationship with your kids, that you can be there for them, and that you and they draw closer because of this.

    And, I pray that you will find the blessing in this, somehow. I don’t know what good can come of this…but maybe you do. There may be more good than you realize.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  8. Maybe letting go of someone you love isn’t about getting over them, or never thinking about them again. Maybe it’s about still loving them, but not having them in your life.

    Maybe you’ll always love the person you’re letting go of. You can’t be with them, but they will always be in your heart. And, you have to learn how to live with a piece of your heart that still belongs to them.

    There is no black and white, no cut and dried way to let go of someone you love. It’s about finding a way to live in peace, in that shady gray area of loving but not having.

  9. I don’t even know where to start. My gf broke up with me a week before Christmas and I’ve been a wreck since. I can’t concentrate at work. I don’t eat or sleep very much. Friends and coworkers invite me out to places but all I’d rather do is be alone. I’m consumed by questions that I don’t have answers to and it’s driving me crazy.

    This is our 2nd time together and I’ve always loved her. No matter what she was going through I was always there for her and treated her better than I’ve treated any gf I’ve had before because I felt that is what she deserved. She even said no one has ever treated her this well before. She had talked about moving in together and a future together. Then she woke up one morning a week before Christmas and told me she didn’t be with me anymore as I was heading off to work.

    There is an age gap. She’s 22 and I’m 32 but that has never been a factor in our relationship. One of the things I loved about her is that we can be kids together. But she said realized she didn’t want to be in a serious relationship right now and she wanted to be single. She wants to figure out the things she wants in her life and what her motivation and purpose is without being tied down to someone. I get all that. But what kills me is that before we made the commitment to each other I asked her to take as much time as she needed to feel ready to be in a serious relationship. I’m not in a rush. I was more than willing to take our time. She was the one who came to me and said she was ready.

    What’s tough too is how we could go from a loving, caring relationship to her not wanting to be with me anymore and not acting like herself. I’ve had more than a handful of gf’s before, but she’s the best I’ve had despite her age. About a week after we broke up she met a guy at her job and they started exchanging FB messages. I’m crushed and I don’t know what to do. I’m generally a very positive person but I can’t seem to find the strength to pull myself out of it.

    What recommendations do people have?

    • Dear Keo,

      I am sorry to hear your story but I am having a similar stage now. A week ago my boyfriend suddenly asked for a break, I let him do so and two days ago he said we should break up. We have been together for nearly two and a half year and our relationship has always been a happy one. We have lots of happiness together, the time we spent together was just amazing.

      He told me he was in confusion in the past two weeks and has been thinking what he wants to do in his life. It turns out that he said he loves me, he cares about me, but had to make decision for me because it’s not right to stay together for longer. He is 27 and I am 24. He said he wants to be single again and to meet people he wants to meet and do things on his own again. He is afraid of commitment or even longer relationship. Everything is so abrupt and sudden to me and I was totally shocked coz I have never imagined this day will come that soon, as I love him so much. Till now he still says he loves me and will always care about me. Is that a lie? If you really love me, I don’t think he will easily let go of me. He said I am amazing and he would be sad to not have me in his life….he said one day i will understand what he did is right.

      I am just so heart broken and still woken up crying out thinking it’s not real. Because few weeks ago we were still happily together and suddenly he had made all the decision neglecting me. Our relationship had been very stable, we’ve never cheated each other, and we enjoyed each other accompany…..Till now I still can’t accept his reason of breaking up. I have shown understanding and patient and be positive to it but he just said he can’t be with me even he loves me…….

      He is my first boyfriend but he had handful of girlfriends before. He told me he broke up with some of his ex with the same reason…..i think he is not going to settle down that early. He asked me to try few more so that I can find a better one, but to me, he is just so perfect. Do you think we can still be together? It just happened two days ago…….and it’s his birthday soon, do you think is there anything i can do?

      • Hi Eve,

        My opinion about your situation? I honestly think that your BF was/is seeing someone else or he met someone that caught his attention. So now he’s confused about what to do about it. From my own experiences and from other people that I know, people tend to get confused when they start having feelings for other people. He probably knows you’re a safe bet, but wants to test out the waters. I wouldn’t be surprised if it became a back and forth thing with you two where he decides to make up and then just break up again. It might happen a few times.

        My advice to you, cut your losses and move on. Take the good memories from your relationship and whatever lessons you can from them but understand that it’s probably over. You should never have to convince anyone who loves you and wants to be with you to stay with you. Don’t make yourself someone’s option, no matter how painful and hard it is to let them go. And always keep in mind that you deserve better. I hope that helps.

  10. Acceptance is the first step towards letting go of someone you love. If you can’t accept your situation, you will never find peace, joy, or happiness.

    What would it feel like to accept your loss, and let go of the person you thought you couldn’t live without?

  11. HI,I was dating a guy for six years and we both completely crazy about each other.He loved me so much and I did too.nothing could break us apart.My friends were saying that we both are the luckiest couple on earth.But after 6 years I got to know that he changed ,and has cheated me with other girls.So we broke up and I chatted with another guy from fb.He was so handsome and he really made me fallen in to him.I want to tell that it was the first time I started to have a great attraction to a guy.I completely forgot I had a guy before I love this one.But I didnt want to across the line to him I thought he might hurt me.I left him 12 times and came back to him.I left means I sent a text saying I will stop this and again I sent I really wants you..then I stopped leaving him.but I was too late.after 3 months he changed and he blocked me from fb too.he put the blame on me and said you are the one who left me bla bla.I pleaded him to give me another chance.But he didn’t .I saw he has put a status in fb and whats app ,”finally she got married but I still love her” that’s for his ex..I got completly lost and I begged for him and said I will help you to forget your ex please come back to me.I sent lot of masseges he didn’t reply.Then today he sent me a text if you still want to talk with me i will talk after jan 13th.I will wait till then.but I know he won’t call me again.I felt angry about myself for not showing my love for him…But I was so late and I don’t think I can ever stop thinking about him.thats why I read this article.thanks..hope it will help me.

  12. Hi Guys,

    I just wanted to encourage you all! Almost three months ago i found myself writing of my heartache on this page when the love of my life literally walked out on me without any warning. At the time there is nothing that can comfort you or bring you much peace however there are things that can certainly help you move on so that you don’t find yourself in three months, six months, two years, ten years time still pining and being miserable for lost love:

    1: Time really does heal everything if you let it.

    2: Keep looking forwards to your future, not backwards. It is so easy to remember what was, but that isn’t what IS. Focus not only on what was great about your relationship but remember that it is not what your relationship is anymore. Be grateful for the good times you had and look forward to potentially finding someone else to share good times with (you won’t want to hear this right now, but trust me if you keep looking forward you will keep moving and its a true blessing!).

    3: Cry long, cry loud, cry often! Get it ALL OUT but make sure you pick yourself back up again! Even if its six times a day, get back up, wipe your face and keep your head held high!

    4: PRAY. It doesn’t matter what you believe in, but praying and connecting with your spirituality really does help. You may feel silly at first but keep at it!

    5. Exercise and eat properly! You really won’t want to. All you will want to do is cry, and sob and moan and lay in bed. The thought of getting out into daylight is horrid and all you want is to crawl up again and die. Sleep feels like it makes everything easier because when you are asleep, you can forget for five minutes the reality of the situation. Right? Trust me! Get outside! Join a gym! Join a karate club or a knitting club for all it matters! Do something for yourself that you’ve always wanted to do and get that blood pumping! And eat well! Remember that comfort foods (sugar, chocolate, ice-cream…Mmmmmm) will cause your blood sugar levels to peak, spike and drop which will make your moods roller coaster. Alcohol and other substances will only numb the pain briefly and again will make your moods swing like a yo yo! You need to face the reality of your situation HEAD ON. Be in the moment, be in the pain and work through it! One step at a time, a million tears at a time, but still moving! Nourish your body, be good to it!

    6. Ask yourself how many people worldwide are in the exact same situation as you are right now. The honest answer? Hundreds! Its so easy to think you are alone and no-one has ever felt like this! The reality of the situation is there are many, many, MANY people around the world who are going through the exact same thing as you are! Feeling exactly the same! (Rotten!). You are NOT alone! You WILL get past this!!

    7. Be kind to those around you. This is sOOOOoooo hard when everyone is either telling you to get over it, or telling you it will be ok or even if they are sick of listening to you re-hash every single event of the relationship leading up to the break-up. Yes, you deserve to be able to grieve. Yes, you have a right and an entitlement to be sad. Yes, healing takes time. But remember, the people closest to you are trying to ease your pain and they love you and want to help you. They too are human and are going through their own stuff. They can only handle so much so try and be a little patient if they are getting short with you. I have found its only because they genuinely love and care for you and can’t stand to see the pain you are in.

    8. Cut all contact with your ex for at LEAST three months! Phone, Facebook, emails, texts, Skype, instagram. Whatever it is wherever you are contactable at. But won’t this drive them away? Hun, they are already GONE! If the fact that you are taking much needed time for yourself away from them after the breakup causes them to flee further or get angry with you, then what are you worried about in the first place? Obviously they don’t resect you or your boundaries and the need to grieve so why would you want to bother? Three months (90 days) gives you adequate time to process through the emotional stages of grief, figure out where your head is at and start to put some emotional strategies in place.

    9: See a counsellor or a psychologist. It doesn’t have to be forever, it may only be one or two sessions but they will give you some really good tools and insight to pop into your tool belt that will help you move forward and start to take care of yourself/heal.

    10: be kind to yourself! Do not beat yourself up over what was, what is and what could have been. Love yourself. The best bits, the worst bits. Commit to being in a relationship with yourself first and foremost and watch your healing begin!

    I hope this helps. I am speaking only from personal experience here and of course everyone else’s experience is different. This is my fourth serious breakup and each time i have applied the above and it truly does help mend a broken heart. Sending you all an amazing, blessed and love filled day.

  13. Hello everyone..not sure what to say or how I feel or anything..My husband and I have been married for 33 and a half years and together for over 35 years. We have 7 children aged from 31 down to 12 years old. My husband walked out on christmas day 2013 at 11.30am. While we have had troubles over the last 5 or so years..he chose this day at this time to call it quits..well I just had to carry on as normallly as possible. THe older children and grandchildren were arrriving around 12.30pm. Well the three youngest children aged 12, 15 and 17 and myself are taking it one day at a time..the journey is hard. One simply does not get up and say well those 35 years did not matter or happen. And thngs are going to have to change..pray for me but especially please pray that my younget children will get through this ot too scarred..thankyou for reading I do appreciate that you took the time, MOnica

    • Hi Monica,

      So sorry to hear about that, especially that he left on what should have been a day for your family to come together.
      I sincerely hope that things will get better for you and that you and your kids will come out of all of this stronger than ever.
      You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

    • I feel so sorry for you.remember none of this is your fault.be strong not only for you but your family to.someone who does that to you on christmas day is not worth it.believe me you do not deserve someone like that you are worth so very much more.good on you for holding it together your amazing

  14. I’ll be 26 in a month. I was with my ex for almost 5 years. He left me two years ago and started dating someone else less than a week later. We ended up getting back together and were really REALLY happy for another couple of years. He proposed to me in the summer. Two months later he called me and said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Still loves me, finds me more attractive then ever before but still didn’t even want to try and work it out. “it” being something even he didn’t know. Now he really wants me back. I started dating a guy I knew years ago in school. Reconnected kinda by chance. Everything was going really well. I spent a few nights with him and I was getting feelings for him really quickly even though we only dated for a month. One day he just up and stops texting me. I asked why a few days after the odd “hi” and “hope you’re doing ok” with no reply. When I did ask on christmas day he says something like we didn’t spark or something which confused me because it really seemed like he liked me a lot. I never got the chance to tell him how I felt BUT I tried to call him this morning to simply say I wanted to be friends. He pretended not to hear anything and hung up. I texted asking why he hung up and he didnt want to hear what I had to say. He texted back “Not really lol”
    Wow that hurt. My ex wants me and I never stopped loving him but I love this other jerk too. I cant handle my ex fiance breaking my heart again and I don’t want to even think about trusting anyone with my heart ever again. People like to lie till they get what they want, let me fall for them then leave.

    • My man broke up with me a month ago I am so heart broken that I can’t move on or let go I am with someone else but its like I feel like I am pushing him away he noz I want to be with him but I am still stuck on my ex all I do is cry cry n cry I can dace the fact that it’s over nor can I get out of the nightmare I keep living

  15. Its been 21 years since my ex and I first started to date. We married in 1995 just 3 years after dating. We were so in love but had countless drama in our lives from both his ex and my ex. In addition, we had family drama were he and I was the sole providers for whatever needs his family had, death (we paid for funerals), drug addict sister (lived with us after her mom came home to find all her belongs sold. Everything wasker, dryer, couch, tv, beds everything). We fought custody of his daughter then 5 and won. We had counseling because her mom was an addict and the list goes on and on. It was just an emotional daily grind but we leaned on one another. Then my ex-husband came back into my daughters life about 7 years into the realtionship. I had a lot of guilty because my then husband and him were friends. I tried to soothe my ex and explain which lead to me cheating. I told what I had done and felt even more guilt. He on the other hand was dating an 18 year old and though we tried to stay together we just was never the same. He remarried 3 months after we divorced. That was 7 years ago.
    I have never been able to move on though I focused solely on me and my children. I enrolled in school and have been working and going to school both fulltime for the last 3.5 years. I am going to get my law degree. I have created a bucket list and have been doing all the things he never found fun. Yet every morning I wake and he is my first thought. About a year ago he came to pick our daughter up (she was born on our wedding annversary in 1999) and then text to ask if he could come in to iuse the restroom. He did and I offered him a beer and we chatted outside. Then before leaving he kissed me. I cannot explain how powerful a kiss. I called him later and explained that he is married and that was unacceptable. He stated, that he is getting his affairs in order and simple said, “there is no me without you.” Well he did just that and he is divorced. He proclaims he married her to try and get over me and was never able to move on. He explains that he has been stuck without feelings. His now ex once called me and said, “he is an emotional zero.” I too have been praying daily for us to find peace in our hearts to be able to move on.
    We have went out on a few dates without our daughters knowledge just to dinner or to drink a beer. However, he is conflicting some times he stands me up, and other times he wants to talk about how I feel about him for hours on the phone. He states all the negative things over and over and I try to just take it and let him express his hurt. There are many negatives I could rehash but I try and keep positive and let him know that in order to move forward we must look forward but I understand getting out the hurt. Though I choose to let that rest. I am unsure what will happen here but I ache for him he is the only family I have and I miss him so bad. I feel like I just exist. Also, I want to add I have dated and 3 men have asked me to marry them in the last 7 years and I always state NO, I told you I was not over Jamie. Every guy thinks they are the one who will get me over him. It is not up to them. Zthey never understand that. When I am lying in bed with another man thinking of Jamie I can’t just marry in hopes one day it will go away. He too has expressed that this has been pure torture. I just keep praying that God will lead my path and I keep plugging away toward my future with or without him. It is so sad and now that we can start to mend and talk he continues to pull away. He told me he is scared. I am scared too. I just feel we should try and if it does not work out maybe we then could each move on. Instead of this!

  16. Hi every1 my names rory I’m 26 I’ve been with my girl friend for 10 years stayed loyal by her side I’ve never cheated on her ever and she meant the world to me. And she left me for some1 she works with a few days before my birthday. I’m so heart broken now. She has left me before for some1 else and I knew I wasn’t ever going to get over her. I started hanging out with another girl that knew what I was going though and my girl fiend found out I was hanging with this other girl after she left me for some1 else And she started crying for me back calling my mom looking for me. the first time she left me. It made me so happy she wanted me back I couldn’t believe it. But now I feel like she’s so happy with this other guy I really don’t think she’s going to come back this time and it kills me. I think about her all the time I’m always depressed I hyperventilated 2 times now my hands and face went numb and my hands locked up on me from being so stressed. I have no interest in being with some1 else I loved her so much. I’ve always been there for her no matter what. I’m so lost with out her. When I was younger I had leukemia she was the best thing that ever happened to me I’m a quiet person I keep to my self. I just don’t know how to handle this anymore at times i feel like giving up on life I’ve been though so much in my life. I feel so worthless now I don’t want to be around any1 or do anything. I don’t think ill ever get over her

    • Hey everyone I been wit my boyfriend for 10 years off and on im madlee in love wit him..this.man had a baby on me and everything my heart cant take no more wat should I do??

      • I know what you are going through trust me I been with my ex girl friend for 10 years that I truly loved I was always there for her and I was super loyal to her and all she did was hurt me in the worst ways. Hang in there your not alone I’m trying to stay strong also. I miss my ex so much and I don’t have it in me to move on. I’m always depressed but you must try and stay busy doing somthing you like. Life is to short and we only get to live one time. I hope you find some1 that truly loves you and respects you because I know how it feels to feel like no1 loves you.

    • hey,Don’t worry you are not the only one who is feel sick when your loved one leaves you..I too don’t want to start another relationship with another one cz that love for my ex will never going to dead.just watch some movies and try to live with your lover in your memories..someday this will makes you feel that she was your fav dream.

    • Hi Rory,

      I’m sorry that happened to you! This girl will always be a part of you, but maybe she wasn’t meant to be the girl you love.
      As much as it hurts, don’t give up on life or on love. Obviously you loved this girl with all of your heart, and I know that there is a girl out there who will love you with all of her heart too. It might take time to find her, but she’s out there.
      In the meantime, I wish you the best of luck with everything.

  17. The pain that comes with heartbreak and loss is so very real, it can be paralyzing and devastating. I believe acceptance is so important and necessary – acceptance of the decisions other people make, acceptance of our lives as they are, and acceptance that all we have is this moment.

    My faith helps me survive loss, disappointment, and even devastating moments in life. There is a sense of comfort and peace that God brings, that helps me heal and move on. It’s my most significant “tip” on how to let go of someone you love.

  18. my gf of 4 years left me on my 40th birthday… she was 27 then. she threw me a great surprise 40th birthday party, but that night, she told me”im sorry, i’m just not happy anymore.”
    She left me the next morning. i was devastated… i loved her very much. and she broke my heart.
    In the months following, I lost my job of 25 years, my beach pad, most of my friends, and my self confidence. meanwhile, she got married just months after she dumped me, and had a baby shortly afterwords………
    Me…? well, i am now 47… and i have been alone ever-since she left me 7 YEARS AGO! i used to have plenty of girlfriends, but with my self confidence destroyed, and ‘midlife crisis” hitting me hard… females want nothing to do with me anymore. i remember asking her how she could do this and not even miss me she said, ”i learned to let go of the past a long time ago.”
    i couldn’t, and it destroyed my life.

    • You sound like a great guy, Eric and I know you’ve heard this before, but I really do believe that it’s time for you to move on from that relationship. Don’t ponder on the why question. She left, simple as that. Don’t give her another second of your time. Moving on might be hard for you to do right now but doing something new in your life might bring you back around again to meeting new people. Take that hurt, that pain and say to yourself that enough is enough and throw that hurt away. Say that you’re done with the hurt and you are going to move on from it. Let me know how that works for you. Hope your days are brighter and that you’re finally at a better place with yourself.

    • Hello Erik, I too am experiencing a very painful loss of love. I realize it’s easier to let go of someone you love or a relationship if you have something else to capture your intention or focus on like a new relationship, she was able to let go easily because she had already found new love,you said yourself a few months later she married someone else. I’m sorry for your loss, but it’s time to let go and let God heal you.

    • Eric im so sorry but I understand, I thought my high school sweetheart of 14 years was going to be my husband one day, but after our daughter ws born things just went down hill, I wasnt happy we became distanced and him drinking like usual, I met a guy nothing just friends I wasnt looking for anything I love my ex but when my ex told me that my friend liked me I had to stop and think, do I feel the same well I broke off 14 years and found out that I had feelings for this stranger that made me feel wanted, its been 7 years and I regret ever leaving my ex he married after only dating for 2 yrs and the hardest part is he married my step stepsister , it hurts cause thats all I wanted I have put up with my now boyfriend in prison left me pregnant, and cheated on me all the time, I wish I could have worked it out with my ex but now im not aloud to talk to him and we have children and grandsons, I wish I could say it gets better but it doesnt hang in there, some one will find you.

  19. Hi all, I am really very sad. My GF just told me that our relationship cannot go any further, I was very surprised to hear this from her. We have been together for 8 years. Despite the fact that we are both from a conservative Islamic society, but our love story was there and known for everyone from my family to her family at least her sisters, we are relative, very close relative and we have been loving each other for so long..we had plans for marriage ..we had good times together. But suddenly she stopped calling me, stopped sending me messages, stopped talking to me…for no apparent reason. Everything was ok..I spent a month we her at the house of her grandmother which is also my grandmother..we had good time together..sometimes there are some low and high in the relationship but we always finds solutions and go on. And one day..she just refused to talk to me and when I traveled to another city where I have my job, she did not say goodbye to me eventhough we live in the same house…she just let me go without saying anything…then I knew that there is something wrong with her..but I though it is just one of those moments when she is angry for some reason and I told myself that everything will be ok..but I spent the 1st day and the 2nd and then a whole week without receiving a call or a message from her..i was always calling her messaging her asking her why she would not call me? And what did I do to treat me like this? But I never received an answer then one night I called her and repeated the call after doing it for so long she took the phone and I say Hi? she said that she is fine, I asked her what is wrong with her and why she would not take the phone ,,,She shouted ” leave me alone you man…leave me alone” and before she hung up the phone she added” Don’t call me again , don’t call me again” I was extremely sad and surprised to hear these words from her I love her so much and I thought she loves me too..I called her back after 3 days and asked her why she did not want me to call her, because I used to do it all the past 2 years there is nothing bad about it then she told me ‘ (name..) our relationship cant continue”…..and that’s all. I did not take it seriously because she used to pranks on me..just like this one…and when I get sad she says “that was a prank? But this time it was not a prank and it seems to that all those pranks she did to me in the past were a real statement of her deciding to leave me at anytime…I thought she love me..we had lovely love legacy full of emotional moments…but I just cant imagine being hurt from her. What shoulf I do? I am extremely sad: lost my appetite and the desire to live ..I lost confidence in myself..she is the last person I would expect to do this to me.Why her..

  20. Hi guys,

    I know Laurie can’t provide individual advice though i after reading her article I am feeling better but at the same time I am also confused because i’ve read the “how to tell if a relationship is worth saving” article and we have all of those attributes that would show the relationship is worth saving. I would appreciate if any of the readers out there have any thoughts or insight or have been through something similar and have come out the other side?

    I have been with my partner for 7 nearly 8 months and it has been the best 8 months of our lives. We share a lot in common in terms of basic values and dreams etc and the stuff that we don’t have in common, we value about each other and encourage each other in their commitments to different things. He is sweet, kind, caring and doesn’t just “talk the talk” he has always “walked the walk” in our relationship too.

    Just last week he pulled me into a hug and said “Babe, though i may not say it a lot please never have any doubt how much i love you and that i will marry you one day”. Everything has been more than fine! He has worked the last 8 days straight by x12 hours however we have continued our normal routine with our good morning and good night texts. We don’t live together however were planning to move out in February to live together. His job is a pretty hectic one and so we only get to see each other really on the weekends but when we do, we make sure we spend quality time not just with each other but we encourage the other to also spend time with their own friends and own hobbies too.

    He was supposed to be meeting up with me Monday night however text out of the blue saying he was exhausted and literally was going to go home to bed and collapse after x8 days of x12 hours and he was really angry with work and just needed to sleep. I was really disappointed but didn’t say too much, i just said i was disappointed however that i completley understood and i would be exhausted too and even though i missed him and wanted to see him that it would be ok. He agreed and said he would come over early in the morning with coffee for us both and we would go see a movie. He said he is aware he has been treating me terribly the last week (being busy, not texting as much as normal) and that he was really very sorry and couldn’t wait to see me. I said the same and went to sleep.

    The next morning he text me saying could we skip the movie and catch up for coffee instead. I rang him and jokingly said “are you breaking up with me” to which he stumbled and stammered and said “I’m not sure..i think so…i don’t know…maybe….i don’t know”. He said that he is so busy and literally doesn’t know if he has the time required to invest into the relationship. I said to him that didn’t make a lot of sense to me because we’ve been going along the same way for the last 8 months and it hasn’t bothered me and hasn’t bothered him either. He said he feels guilty that he can’t spend a lot of time with me. I said to him that it sounded like he had made up his mind then and goodbye and as i went to hang up the phone he said “wait wait…please…i don’t know”.

    We concluded the conversation and i sent him a text saying he should come over and talk it through with me to which he said we should wait until Friday (the text was Tuesday morning) and catch up over coffee and “talk things through”. I sent him a message back saying ok and saying that if he was feeling pressured to move in together or any of those things that there is no pressure and we just need to take one day at a time and work on it from there. I haven’t heard from him since, today is Thursday afternoon.

    Everyone is telling me this is normal and guys go through this especially when they are thinking of really committing to someone and its natural that they pull back and freak out. It doesn’t feel natural to me at all. We have always communicated and been open and honest with each other. This has literally come from out of the blue and knocked me for six. I am trying to continue to be normal, keep eating well, go to the gym, pray etc etc but i don’t know how much longer i can keep my sanity up like this.

    Has anyone else been through this? I don’t really know what else to do.

  21. Thanks for the article. I never thought I’d have to read something like this because I never thought it could happen to me!
    My wife if 15 years is having an internet affair – she has never met the guy, he lives in New York State and we live in remote Queensland Australia.
    Yes the internet and facebook are not the cause – they are the vehicle through which this happened.
    Anyhow, we have two beautiful boys (11 & 9) and she is off to the USA tomorrow to be with a guy she has only spoken to by email, SMS and Skype!
    Shock, anger, despair, panic, overwhelming sadness, grief, confusion, insomnia and the list goes on.
    I only found out two weeks ago by accident by reading SMS messages on her phone.
    It has only been going on for two months and has gone from hello to “I love you” to sexual commentary to “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” in two months!!!!!!! And they haven’t even met in person!!!!!!!
    Thanks for your page and to those who have shared.
    Life has to go on (for my sons) but it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier….
    Mick – Australia.

  22. My husband of 9 yrs just told he actually didnt love from the start. We have 3 children. He didnt want to be tied down; to be free to travel the world. He do not want to separate (for now) because he don’t want to lose the children. But the frustrating thing abt it is, he dont take responsibility for his honesty. He dont want me & the children to move out. But I want to start fresh. I cant stand move on frm here. I feel so betrayed, so lost that evrything is a lie. How do u move on frm here? I told him, I will give him space. Ppl say he will come around, its just a phase, he will realise that we cannot be replaced etc. But its not that he didnt love me anymore; he didnt love me ever. I dont want to stay here & be stagnant just to wait for him. What if dont come around? My 3 children are holding me back right now. How do I go about uprooting them? I am beyond devastated. How can I give him distance but not affect the children?

  23. I found this article very Helpful – Thank you!

    11 Months ago I broke up with my boyfriend/ Fiance of 7 years. the last year of our relationship was very rough and we were apart a lot. I needed to figure out what i wanted in my life and i believe that i ended the relationship poorly. I Broke up with him over the phone ( looking back i believe it was because i knew i would not be able to do it in person). There were a few guys in the 2 month period after the break up and i felt like i was doing SOO much better with out my ex.

    Then he met someone online and compleatly did a 180 flip over night (literally) from sitting in my living room telling me that he would do anything to get me back – to moving in with this girls he just met ( yes i did verify this with people who knew both of us well)….. Oh and the Kicker is she lived in the same condo Complex as the one i had just moved into.

    This absolutely destroyed me. I have never fallen so far and so hard in my life. I lost an extreme amount of weight in a very sort time from not eating and exercising as much as possible. ( this is my coping mechanize). My friends and family of course were all extremely concerned and tried to help any way they could _ thank god for all of them.

    I sought professional help – which i do highly recommend, and read everything about everything from rebounding, letting go, law of Attraction, to spiritual well being. On different day different things helped and made it worse.

    After 6 months of living next to them, seeing them everyday together – they moved out and apparently bought a house together.

    After all of this and 9 months – I still can’t believe that this happened, i still can’t believe that the person i trusted with my whole heart could do something like this to someone who “meant the most in the world” to him.

    I know that time will make it easier and life goes on, and i am better off with out him, and all of those things. But everyday I still wonder WHY and HOW, and everyday it still hurts and i still miss my best friend. Now i search fro answers on how to heal myself so that I don’t ask those questions for the rest of my life and move on to a man that truly loves me and would never turn on me so quickly again.

    Writing it does feel better, thank you for reading.

  24. Hi, I met this guy at church and it was totally love at first site. When we started talking something was just so right about him and we are so so compatible. I started having feelings for him and he knew that I loved him but he just didn’t say anything about that. The problem was he lives in Italy and I live in England but he came to England for the experience, so it would mean that if we were in a relationship it would have been a long distance relationship which I totally didn’t mind because the love I had and still have for him its just to deep to let anything come between us. It came the time where he had to go back to Italy and his promise was I will always be there for you and I kept that in mind but everything just changed the first day when he got back to Italy. He stopped talking to me, no message, nothing until my best friend send him a message on Facebook telling him he needs to talk to me which worked and we started talking again everyday without stopping until a week ago. During the period we started talking again he told me how much he loved me and that I am the kind of girl he needed in his life and etc but a week ago I asked him where we are going with us and all he said was to be just friends and ever since he has been very distant. I would text him or inbox him all the time but he wouldn’t make the effort to write back or if he does his excuse would be I am too tired can we talk tomorrow and he would repeat that again and again. I just recently stopped making the effort in keeping in contact with him but its killing me inside and I am not sure what to do because we didn’t necessarily end things in bad terms , he just decided to ignore me. Should I say something to him, maybe ask him why he is ignoring me and if he still loves me as much as I love him or should I forget about him and move on? Please help :(

  25. Hello Laurie,
    I am so happy I found your article. I’m actually in the same situation you were in.
    I had an argument with my sister yesterday. Now it’s eating me up inside. She’s still mad at me all because I had an opinion about her boyfriend which was true.
    Then she got all defensive about it I guess thinking I was talking about her. But no that wasn’t the case and she just don’t get it. To me he’s bringing her down she can have better. Seek god first that’s the mistake seem like most people make.
    Then she deleted me off Facebook and didn’t talk to me all day and its sad cause we all live together. I’m a christian well getting there taking steps but at times it’s hard because of my emotions. So what should I do it seems like she’s choosing him over family so if it comes to it should I just let her go.

  26. Hello there,

    I just recently left my ex fiancé of 3 years. I am completely devastated over it, crushed and in a million pieces. This has been so very hard on me.
    I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone, thought I truly found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
    I’ll give the short version of my story….
    Like I said we were together for 3 years, I have known him for 5.
    Just recently he got a job offer 1800 miles away from where we lived and had our lives together. He accepted the position and relocated, he and his 2 adult children moved out first, then I followed 2 months later with my 2 young girls from a previous relationship, I have a total of 3 children: 2girls and 1 boy. I made the choice to leave my son behind due to his father having issues with another man raising his boy and my son had wanted to live with his father… That’s a whole different issue. I uprooted all the kids and I had ever known to follow my heart and be beside my love. Well this entire time i’ve been out here he(ex) has maintained a relationship over the phone with his ex in which he had before the move but not to the extent he was now. He would come up with any and all,excuse as to why. And I trust in him so I would take his word for truth. I spoke to his ex as well and at one point she stated that they were making plans to get back together and I was a mistake in his eyes. I clearly told her that weather he may or may not be telling her that we are happily together and she needed to move on with her life.
    I confronted him about it and he denied all of it and stated that she’s crazy, she’s just trying to destroy us. I believed in him.
    My mistake! She happen to be in town, well 3 hours away, he goes to see her and doesnt come home for the night and would not,answer any of my calls. I was devasted. It all came out to be true. Well when he got home I was done and ready to leave with no money in my pocket I could not take it anymore. He says he loves me and realizes more than ever why there apart and I make him happy and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me… As much as I love him I wanted to believe him and I told him I don’t think I can get past this there’s a lot you need to prove to me but this was me thinking with my heart instead of my head. As crazy as this may sound I needed to know the truth.. I put the voice recorder on, on my phone while I left to run an errand and sure enough I heared all I needed to. I again confront him about and at first tries to deny it then comes out with I think im slick that he knew the phone was recording and he was guna say worse. Really? U deliberately would hurt me? I packed up my stuff got a uhaul and the girls and I left. Did it all ourselves. Driving away from there was the hardest thing i’ve ever done. I know it’s best. I’m heartbroken and now alone in a state where I don’t know anyone but him.
    It hurts that I uprooted the kids and for him to deliberately do this has been hard to deal with. When it comes to cheating and another women, it truly does something to ones soul. I cry and cry. Trying so hard to keep myself together for my kids but it’s been a tremendous struggle. I know with time it’ll get better but in this moment my heart ache sometimes feels unbearable. Ugh!
    I at this moment am not able to move back due to my. Another thing… Which is probably best but he hasn’t even reached out to see where we are or if we’re okay. :(
    In pieces and lonely. Any advise is very much welcomed at the moment.

  27. Hello there,

    I just recently left my ex fiancé of 3 years. I am completely devastated over it, crushed and in a million pieces. This has been so very hard on me.
    I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone, thought I truly found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
    I’ll give the short version of my story….
    Like I said we were together for 3 years, I have known him for 5.
    Just recently he got a job offer 1800 miles away from where we lived and had our lives together. He accepted the position and relocated, he and his 2 adult children moved out first, then I followed 2 months later with my 2 young girls from a previous relationship, I have a total of 3 children: 2girls and 1 boy. I made the choice to leave my son behind due to his father having issues with another man raising his boy and my son had wanted to live with his father… That’s a whole different issue. I uprooted all the kids and I had ever known to follow my heart and be beside my love. Well this entire time i’ve been out here he(ex) has maintained a relationship over the phone with his ex in which he had before the move but not to the extent he was now. He would come up with any and all,excuse as to why. And I trust in him so I would take his word for truth. I spoke to his ex as well and at one point she stated that they were making plans to get back together and I was a mistake in his eyes. I clearly told her that weather he may or may not be telling her that we are happily together and she needed to move on with her life.
    I confronted him about it and he denied all of it and stated that she’s crazy, she’s just trying to destroy us. I believed in him.
    My mistake! She happen to be in town, well 3 hours away, he goes to see her and doesnt come home for the night and would not,answer any of my calls. I was devasted. It all came out to be true. Well when he got home I was done and ready to leave with no money in my pocket I could not take it anymore. He says he loves me and realizes more than ever why there apart and I make him happy and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me… As much as I love him I wanted to believe him and I told him I don’t think I can get past this there’s a lot you need to prove to me but this was me thinking with my heart instead of my head. As crazy as this may sound I needed to know the truth.. I put the voice recorder on, on my phone while I left to run an errand and sure enough I heared all I needed to. I again confront him about and at first tries to deny it then comes out with I think im slick that he knew the phone was recording and he was guna say worse. Really? U deliberately would hurt me? I packed up my stuff got a uhaul and the girls and I left. Did it all ourselves. Driving away from there was the hardest thing i’ve ever done. I know it’s best. I’m heartbroken and now alone in a state where I don’t know anyone but him.
    It hurts that I uprooted the kids and for him to deliberately do this has been hard to deal with. When it comes to cheating and another women, it truly does something to ones soul. I cry and cry. Trying so hard to keep myself together for my kids but it’s been a tremendous struggle. I know with time it’ll get better but in this moment my heart ache sometimes feels unbearable. Ugh!
    I at this moment am not able to move back due to my finances

    • Adriana,

      I truely feel you and understand the pain you are going thru, I am also going thru a similar situation, it is so tough so exhausting, so painful, hurting but the person hurting is never aware of the pain, they are just there to please their lust!, What I can tell you is to leave everything to God he is the only source of joy, happiness, peace.

      Concentrate on yur children and not the man, the man is not a priority anymore in your life, since you are not a priority in his life as well. Give time time and love yourself, all will be well.

      Take it easy and focus on yourself, All the best

      • Hannah,

        Thank you for your reply and your kind words, I really appreciate it! Especially with the way I have felt and am feeling.
        I am trying so hard to keep it together one step at a time. This heartache and pressure I feel in my chest is at times unbearable. It’s been extremely hard to get past the fact that I uprooted everything and for him to have been so selfish in his choices. It’s even harder when you get along so amazingly except for that one thing, other women.
        I had to take myself to the ER due to not being able to tolerate this heartache and uncontrollable crying. Sad, lonely and emptiness that has overcome me. Feel useless at times, my world just crumbled.
        Searching for my inner strength to get past it.
        I truly hope ur situation gets better and like you said leave it in gods hands.
        You made my day, always helps when someone can realate.
        Take care and stay strong.

        Adrianna

  28. Hi, I was in a relationship for almost 3 years with my ex-gf, we were very young, both 18 when we became a couple, but we were friends for almost a year before that. I made many mistakes: Once I almost cheated on her, and I told her a year after it, she gave me an opportunity despite all the pain she felt. I was struggling to stop doing things that she didn´t like, like watching adult movies, etc. I broke my promise on that subject several times, and that would break her heart, and she would cry everytime I told her I was doing it again. Among the other mistakes I made was to take her for granted, and not making her feel loved, not giving back all the love that she was giving me, although I truly love her and see her as the most importante person in my life and as my best friend, I’ve always been a little dry, and I’m trying to change that. Finally, because of my job, and other reasons, I comitted the stupidity of distancing myself from her, thinking that she would be there, waiting for me, until I was ready to comeback (I didn’t cheat on her or thought about breaking up during that period, I just needed time to realize how important she was to me and how strong my love for her was). But after that she had had enough, and took it as a sign that I was not interested in her anymore. She let me go. And now I’m trying to comeback, but all she says is that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, and that I must move on and make my life apart from her. I’ve asked for an opportunity to just be friends and as time passes I would show her how much I care for her so then she could decide if she wanted to give me another chance, but all I get is: “Forget it. By now, I’m not expecting anything from you anymore.” .. Also it seems that she’s dating someone else. She says she overcame all the feelings she had for me, but she’s ignoring me, as if she is afraid of falling for me again or something, or maybe she just doesn’t want to give me a false hope, I don’t know. I just want her to be happy, it’s all that I ever wanted.. Do you think it’s time to let her go? Or should I fight for her and show her how much I care about her. It hurts so much to know that you had the right person by your side nad you didn’t notice until it was too late.

    • Hmm well I could feel you really love her. I think you should fight for her. You guys have been together for 3 years you’ve said. I could feel that your ex gf got tired after all the pain she went through, but remember love does not ends gradually. It would take time. She still loves you but was just healing. Show to her that you love her so much and that you are ready to change and give your best this time. Pretty sure she will love you back but please don’t hurt her again :( I have loved my bf too so much but I was just taken for granted. I ended giving up on him and getting tired. We’re separated from each other now but I’m thinking sometimes that if he’d only fight for me I might have given our relationship another try.

      • Thanks for your reply, Eye reen.

        I’ve tried to contact her, let her know how I feel, all via text messages, because she ignores me whenever we run into each other at church; and a meeting to talk things over is out of question. She doesn’t even want a friendship. Nothing.

        Going back to the text messages: I get no response. It takes several weeks for her to respond, and all she says are things like: “I’ve said goodbye to you long ago. Accept it and leave me alone. Thank you :) “. Or: “If you really valued me you wouldn’t have lost me”.

        I think she doesn’t believe that my feelings for her are real. Maybe she just doesn’t care anymore. Or it might be that she thinks it’s going to be the same and that I haven´t changed.

        How do you show someone that you care about them, and that you are doing your best to change, when they simply won’t give you the opportunity to show them?

        Looks like she wants me totally out of her life.

        I’m seriuosly starting to think I should move on, because it feels selfish to try to get her back, when it seems that she’s doing perfectly fine without me.

        I’m sorry about what happened to you, I wish I had enough experience to give you advice on that, all I can share with you is this well known quote:

        “If you love someone let him go. If he comes back, he’ll be yours forever. If he doesn’t he was never yours.”

  29. I have been married for the last 10 years and we are blessed with a 3 year old son. My husband was very loving and faithful, unfortunatly this year the new lover lady called me and informed me of the affair. It was the most difficult thing to accept or digest in my head, then i confronted my husband and he confesed it to be true. The lady used to sent me so many texts telling me how am nothing and that she is ontop of the world. by this time my hubby was working away from home so they had lived with the lady for 4 good months without my knowledge. when i discovered my hubby did not seem sorry instead he supported the other lady fully, and left me in pain hurt, and energy less, I was able to convince him quit his job so that we work things out, he accepted little did i know the lady had already left but the affair was still on but she was studying in the city i was in and him coming to us was coming near the lady coz now the lady was in the city i was in. He came to us but every morning he would wake up go spend the whole day with the lady then evening he is back home and this continued for weeks, His affection for me is zero he cant even make love to me, it is a struggle, the lady was then taken to college in another city, this broke his heart and they planned behind my back that he will be visiting, his father died the week he was supposed to visit, so we had to arrange for the burial, his brain was not anywhere near the burial all his brain and mind was where the lady was and when all the burial stuff will be over so that he can leave. He started by going on thursday comes on friday, now it he lives anytime he wants and he does not call or care about me, when i call him the lady does not allow him to pick the phone, she picks at times and insults me, saying ” I am the one in control” mind your own life, Just now i informed him that the lady was rude to me, I have faced it rough I have been forced to apologize to her, and never call if i dont have anything good to say. I hear they have rented a house and now they are living together. What should I do???

    • dumb his ass and throw his stuff out the house!

      get a new bf! live your life! enjoy!

      he and his lover abuses you because you let him. respect and love yourself,thats the best thing to do

    • Hannah – Creating a stabile and nurturing life for your son is your #1 priority. Everything you do at this point should be oriented to that goal.

      Things you need to consider:

      1. What kind of support systems do you have — social, emotional, financial? Is your husband providing for you & your son right now, even though he is living with the gf, or are you now faced with providing for yourself? Whatever kinds of resources you have you will likely need to call on them in very short order. Again, maintaining continuity and stability for the sake of your son is paramount.

      2. You and only you are the one who can decide whether your marriage is effectively over. As painful and emotional as your situation is for you, you need to be VERY, VERY clear-headed about what you decide to do next. The counsel of family, friends, and finally legal advice — in that order. Explore what your options are BEFORE you make any kind of leap.

      Sorry but angel’s advice about getting a new boyfriend is utter cr@p. Your self-esteem is in the pits right now and while you may need the boost of male attention and affection, trust me, you will NOT be making any sound decisions about men right now. “new bf” will turn into one more headache and regret and potential heartache. How would any of this improve things for your son and your ability to be a good mom to him? Ugh. Just don’t.

      Long-term goals, in order of priority:
      1. Make the best life for your son that you can. Will require a LOT of courage from you.
      2. Stabilize yourself: financially, emotionally, mentally, professionally. You can’t be a good mom to your boy if you are falling apart inside & in terror over keeping a roof over your head. This is a process. A long one. But you owe it to yourself, not just your son, to commit to the process. And to complete it without taking shortcuts.
      3. When #1 and #2 are under your belt … THEN, and NOT UNTIL … you can think about romantic relationships. Use your head. A wiser, stronger, more confident you will have a wayyyy better chance for success (and sharper a**hole radar, I might add) than a broken, hurting, needy you.

      • Thank you sasha you made my whole situation simple infact am crying as I read, for sure i Just need to focus on ma son not a man anymore, he is no longer a priority in ma life. He has hurt me so badly and i almost got ulcers, He does not care at all, only yesterday he called to tell me he is going to tell the mother about the new gf, the mother was so furious and she told him to never call hm his mother and to go and rot in hell! with that prostitute, I have changed my telephone line, I have disconnected fully so that 1st i get a break and recover, He can do what he wants with his life, I also do the best for my son. I have even put a photo of my son on my computer so that i can think more about him and his future. Thank yu once again thank you! I dont think I will ever need a man in my life, Men have changed to be animals all my love is for ma son, I dont need to be heart broken because of sex, I simply need peace and thats it. Thank you!!! God bless u.

  30. I was with my ex gf for for over 4 years. we started dateing when she was quite young and it was a challenge but we always made it work somehow. there were difficulties due to distance which resulted in some cheating on her part and even mine, but we always worked through it because we really did deeply love each other. she was such a sweetheart, a special person and someone that i opened up to fully, more than anyone in my whole life. she was the same with me. we eventually moved in together and were together for a year like this. she worked and helped out around the house. she would leave me notes and was genuinely really so good to me. i had trust issues and control issues because of the past and sometimes we fought so hard. i would be really mean and say awful things to her and bring up the past. i usually had good reasons for being upset but would take things to such a degree that it became scary for us both. wrestling and being physical included. we always worked through things and i always seemed stuck in this mode of anger and distrust when really she had changed in many ways and was such a loving gf while we were living together. one day somethign happened and i lost it. i was txting and txting and not getting an explanation for what was going on. i told her all sorts of horrible mean things. she apologized for it and i jsut didn’t let it go when she got home. i woke up and stormed off to work, as she asked if we could work it out. i said whatever and i didnt care.. the biggest mistake of my life. she meant everything to me. i just needed some help with my issues and to see just how lucky i was. this was also double hard because it happend jsut three weeks before i did a really life changing experience which showed me and taught me just how special a person she was.

    she left and wouldn’t come back. within a week or two she had been spending a lot of time with another guy and then after us fighting more, while trying to stay in touch, she began to officially date him. we always kept in touch and it was hard. she came and saw me and visited me many times after our break up. we would sleep together, hang out and then she would go back to her other life. eventually i had to put a stop to it. i said i couldnt see her or speak to her while she was with this other guy.

    she soon after broke up with him and then came to see me. we had sex, hung out. relaxed, but i was so distracted with other stresses in life i didint sit down and talk about exactly what we were doing. she went back home and the next day had sex with her ex again while being drunk.

    i got upset and pushed away. then i said i loved her and just wanted her in my life and i didnt care, they were at least broken up after all. we continued to visit on and off, usually having sex. she knew i wanted her back but was still hurt from what had happened. she was also enjoying drinkign with friends. hooking up with another guy and his gf at same time i was told.

    she was staying in town with her ex basically living there sleeping in his bed every night. it began to be apparent she was making out to be commited to him but really not, as she would lie about where she was when with me.

    we went out last weekend. partied. she got drunk, was grinding other guys, which i ddint really care, but then was giving her number making plans for some other time and telling me to go find another girl so she could basically continue to grind this guy. eventually we left. the next day we fought really hard when she got a txt from him and i thought she was replying when she promised she wouldnt. i lost it and started calling her a liar and bring up other stuff.

    i was sobbing crying, saying sorry when i realised what i had done. i hit myself in the face.. im soo upset. she left, and the next day posted thats shes back in a relationship with him. i cant take anymore. i loved her soo much, and was always there for her. always wanting to work it out even when she hurt me.

    i have owned up to all my mistakes and genuinely just want a chance to love her properly like we always dreamed. i have messed everything up once again by jumping to a conclusion and making her feel awful. i have pushed her back into his arms, right when she was about to get her own place and focus on her. now they are probably going to live together.

    i am so dissapointed in myself. i have lost every chance to reconciliation i feel and now the only hope i have is to send her new bf a msg and tell him where she was last weekend. with me. we also had sex and the condom broke and i had to tell her that i did have unprotected sex a couple times and that she should be careful. well i know she had sex with him bare after that. i mean who does that? she doesnt care for him. hes just there the one to keep her company in a hard time. i dont want to hurt her but i dont want to lose her! i am though.. i have f**ked it up all along..

    feeling like such a fool. she was so perfect in so many ways. the love of my life. i dont want to move on. i want her back, but i think she is not the person i loved now. she secretly has a deep down hatred for me.

    sadly i kinda see her point.

    f**ked up. :(

    • Roo – I hope you can look back and recognize that there was a lot of unnecessary volatility and immature choices in this relationship. That would be on both your parts.

      You had insecurity, trust and control issues. You both cheated early on. She cheated on the other bf with you. Your arguments with her got physical and “scary.” She put herself in situations that compromised her judgment (getting drunk), which (surprise surprise) resulted in sex. It also appears she deliberately had unprotected sex with another bf after the episode where the condom broke with you, in order to be able to “cover” for herself in case she got pregnant from when she was with you. IOW, she was willing to totally shaft this guy into raising another man’s child. What the …? To borrow from you: “Who does that?”

      A lot of people are capable of being sweet to each other when things are starting out, seeming to go well, and the “rush” of the new(ish) relationship and sex is keeping their head in the clouds. Living the high, however, does not make for a relationship. What makes or breaks a relationship is how you deal with daily life when things are ordinary and everyday grind, and how you treat each other when conflicts arise.

      Maturity is essential to a healthy relationship. Maturity means:

      (1) I know myself very, very well — my strengths and weaknesses, my needs, my faults, my worth. I know what my “danger zones.” Because of this, I am able to think ahead and recognize the kinds of opportunities and people who will help me make myself a better person, AND to avoid situations and people who will drag me down. My self-awareness leads to foresight, which leads to increased skills and abilities in self-improvement.

      (2) I am even-keeled with my temper, am able to exercise self-control in conflict and crises, and when I argue with someone I “argue fair,” i.e. I keep the focus on the problem and finding a solution for it, instead of lashing out at the other person and attacking them, personally.

      (3) I am committed to honesty. I seek and acknowledge the truth about myself (even when it is harsh), about others and about my relationships.

      (4) I am patient and steady. I base my decisions and behavior on rational assessment and sound judgment. I take the appropriate time in decisions and relationships to assess who needs to do what. My decisions aren’t driven by emotion and are not made in a hasty manner.

      (5) I am able to forgive myself and others. I do not let guilt or anger crush me and prevent me from moving forward in my goal of continual self-improvement. Instead, I try to view painful experiences as opportunities to learn valuable lessons about myself and others, and as guides to my future behavior and choices. (Return to #1).

      It sounds like you had a significant step in maturity awakening somewhat recently that led you to valuable insights about yourself. That is a good thing.

      What I would ask you to consider, however, is whether your ability to assess the nature and quality of your relationship with your ex gf is characterized by the hallmarks of maturity described above. It seems to me that you are still growing and learning and have quite a ways to go before you reach that “steady state” in which you can see things are they really were and are.

      I’m gonna be blunt here, okay? These days, a lot of people don’t honestly know what love is. Because our culture does not teach it. What our culture pushes as romantic “love” is an emotional and sexual experience, the high, the feelings. Infatuation, in other words. Not love.

      Love is not what you feel. Love is what you DO. Love seeks and acts for the highest good of the other. Love is not self-oriented (concerned with me, my needs and my feelings) but other-oriented. Love is “steady state” — the little annoyances just wash right over it, and the big conflicts do not destroy it, because it is permanently rooted and anchored in commitment to the other and the relationship. Love is forgiving. Love is not needy and grasping and looking for lifelines; love is abundant, love gives and IS the lifeline. True love endures.

      What I’m telling you is truth. It is also ancient wisdom (you can go back to Shakespeare and sacred texts and find similar descriptions of love). It is really regrettable that our culture does not teach this to young people because it would prevent so many heartaches and so much suffering.

      When you have internalized a proper (reality-based, truthful) view of love, you will see that it gives you not only a useful guide to how to treat someone you want to be with, but also a looking-glass revealing you how you yourself are being treated. “Is ____ what love does?” If the relationship is not characterized by most of the above, then it is not love. Either you (one or both of you) need to grow up and step it up if your best judgment is telling you that the relationship has potential to go the distance …. or you need to part ways.

      It is a very, very difficult thing to admit to yourself that something you thought was love was not. I myself have been there, believe me. But the honest self-assessment and the guts it took to admit the truth to myself was one of the biggest strides I took in self-improvement. Because the very next questions I asked myself were, “If it wasn’t love, then what the heck *was* it, how did it happen and how can I avoid repeating this painful mistake in the future?” All of which launched me on a profound journey of learning and valuable insight.

      Eyes on the prize. Move forward. Become a better person from this. Learn what is true and hold fast to it.

      Peace.

      • Sasha,

        I hope you get this. thank you so much for your reply. I am still very much suffering from the grief of this loss. I have jsut recently had to stop speaking with my ex, because i simply cannot stand the though of her with this other boy she rebounded to who she has no gone back to officially dating.

        i sincerely appreciate your very objective view and simple guidlines, i will review and hope to gain further clarity from them. What i know for certain is that I will love my ex, even if our relationship was not perfect and we both had a lot to learn about love, i want to be right and honor that memory of us. She was my first love and so is the love of my life.. and I hers..

        I am so regretful for the decisions i made and want to beluieve so badly that if i hadnt done what i did we would of grown together and grown stronger with time.

        i am so confused because a part of me sais live each day like its your last, and that being true, i feel like i should be at her door telling her that i cant lose her! i have failed too many times too risk ruining things more, to risk saying the wrong things or disrupting her life.

        she sais she misses me that she misses her friend, and right now i just dont know what to do. i love her so much in my mind, but i cant be her “friend” right now. i dont know if i ever could because i want all of her forever. Im definitely one of those all or nothing type people, and i guess im learning the hard way what it is to be that kind of person. now i am alone in a city far from my family, with not many friends, while she is surrounded by people and having fun. i got what i deserved i guess. i want her happy i do… im just so confused and i know she is too.

        she misses our oneness and i do too. i just cant seem to convince her that i am sorry and see how i made mistakes.

        if she goes and has all her fun, does all the things we planned to do together with someone else and then one day magically realises that she does truly love me,, how am i to feel? should i be open to that? or is that not jsut the cruelest possible thing i can imagine… at least id have her though in the end.. thats what matters to me really i guess.

        any other comments or help is sincerely appreciated. i feel everyones paiin and wish you all the highest compassion and love.

        she was my first love, the love of my life. i know no different and i love big, so what else can it be?

        lost and confused..

        anyone shed some further light?

  31. I met this girl online, whom I fell in love with in a very short period of time. We were together on and off for one year which seems like a 25 yr time frame. At first she was very excited to see me and made all efforts to keep a conversation interesting and told me she loved me. I was very happy that I met someone who gave me so much attention. After few months she started to change a lot. Mood swings, temper tantrums, always putting me down, comparing me to others and if she didn’t get what she wanted…then she would stop responding and break up with me. I thought I did something wrong every time and had started to apologize for no reason and kept doing it to calm her down. She loved being chased but also got very mean in the process. I kept telling her that I loved her and she should tell me if something is bothering her and I would do my best to change it. I also asked her to help me find a solution to any concerns she may have. She turned it all down a thousand times. I felt like constant shit everyday and ended up seeking therapy to start gaining control in my life. She was aware that I had started to see a doctor. What I didn’t tell her was that she was the main reason. She did not show any care to my therapy appointments, health and what is happening in my life. She kept me around but didn’t show me that she wants me. She didn’t show any other guy much interest because she would always want to talk to me but would have very dry conversations. Every time she took me back I had started to ask for hugs, kisses and affection. I felt like a shit head because any girl I had been with before showed a lot of love and respect. I kind of felt bad for her and kept trying to see maybe she would understand that I am there for her no matter what. But all she did was pick on little things to start a fight and kept it up for days or a week until I couldn’t take it any longer. For example: I was in middle of a moving transition and was busy for few days. I did keep in touch via texting, Skype and phone calls n asked her out for dinner during this time. She still believed that I ignored her on purpose and that I don’t deserve her attention anymore. Little things like this made her break up with me and leading me to chase her to make her understand I mean no harm. After getting back together for the 50th time lol, I took her out to a nice joyful day in downtown toronto , where we spent our day at different restaurants, movies and art center. I kept trying to hold her hand, kiss her and tell her she is beautiful. She kissed me back with full attention but holding my hand seemed to give her hesitation. After 2 days she broke up with me again stating that I am a disgusting human being who only wanted sex from her. But that was not it because she is a virgin and for a year that I kept trying for her I only tried to sex her once when I didn’t know she was holding it off till marriage. After finding out I respected her choice and kept my man in the pants. I thought I had found a good girl who I can deflower after marriage. I thought I had found someone who could keep me in the line and give me more strength to work harder for her. But all she did was put me down and found excuses to walk away. She even compared me to her ex numerous times and it felt like shit. Once in anger she also stated that her ex still messages her and wants her back. I didn’t take it serious after she apologized. But she did admit that it was true. I had become very insecured and it lead me to lose total trust. I felt like I wasted a year of my life trying to convince someone I am not there to hurt them and that we should build everything together. She acknowledged me but never followed through. I lost a lot in this time frame because of her. I am not sure what to do because even though I know its wrong but I love her for some odd reason. There have been a lot of girls who would give me time of day and would love to have me take care of them. But I fell for the one that didn’t appreciate anything that I gave her. I dont know why she would tell me that she loved me numerous times when she kept leaving every 2 weeks. She kept finding excuses and looking for negatives only. She was only focused on my faults and never made efforts to help me gain control of something that I may need help in. I feel like I am the one who is wrong and caused this relationship a distress. I feel like a loser and a bitch for chasing her down every time. My ony downfall is that after taking a week worth of abuse over a little thing that I had been trying to fix. I would finally lose my shit and tell her how it is. I would let he know that she’s selfish, rude and has no sense of compromising, understanding and abilities to fix a problem. She would get even more mad then and cut me off completely. Won’t answer my calls, texts or emails. I tried very hard to get her to cool off but she didn’t. So I finally am now holding myself back from contacting her or giving her any sort of attention. It bugs me to know and I wish I can see the man and his patience to be with such s girl. I wish to meet anyone who can put up with this crap to see what kind of approach is needed to keep this woman in line. I have never met anyone so difficult and stubborn that it makes me furious. I still miss her and love her like a fool I am. I feel sad because I never had such strong feelings for anyone in my life. I need some advice people. I apologize for the long post but I needed to vent. Thanks for reading. If there is anyone who can give me some good advice….thanks

    • Tony – You have been through the wringer!

      If she is exhibiting these sorts of behavioral and personality problems (mood swings, temper tantrums, irrational demands, abusive criticism) then she is not good relationship material. You know this in your head. You know how rotten and exhausted it makes you feel.

      Honestly, it is not your burden to try to figure out why she is the way she is, or if she was okay when you first started seeing each other but the “something” happened to devastate and damage her, and you got caught in the fallout. She could be immature and temperamental. She could have inherited a bad pattern of arguments & verbal abuse from her parents. She could be struggling with something really heavy. She could have a personality disorder. It doesn’t matter with respect to what YOU do now.

      You are neither her therapist nor her rescuer. The person you have to take care of is Tony. This isn’t selfish. It’s realistic. The only person who can heal her is her, and unless and until she decides she wants to be a whole person who *is* ready for a healthy relationship, no one — not you, not Oprah and not Dr. Phil — is going to get though to her.

      Instead of seeing yourself as a loser (which you are not), see yourself as someone who can learn some valuable lessons out of this painful experience.

      Lessons such as:

      1. Repeated abuse (verbal, emotional, physical) is just not acceptable. Now you know, from experience, that a cycle is just that — it will repeat until stopped. The abuser is never going to be the one to take the initiative to stop it. So it is up to the person catching hell to set and enforce proper boundaries. (There’s actually a really good relationship book by this title — “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud.) Sometimes those boundaries will require you to sever the relationship altogether. As painful as that is, it is better to walk away than to keep returning to the relationship in the hopes that the person who is making you feel like sh!t in this on-again, off-again pattern will change their ways. The change must come from you.

      2. In a relationship where someone has experienced a certain number of highs and good, even great, times with the other person, the memory of those high, intense feelings and the yearning to get back to the highs will pull you back in when you should be cooling it with distance or walking away. The highs are because of endorphins. You are literally going through a chemical withdrawal when you are deprived of them. Cut yourself some slack and realize that you will NOT be rational at either time, not when you are “under the influence” and not when you are going through withdrawal, either.

      Going forward, in the future, just be aware that while this roller coaster ride of emotions can be fun (and agonizing, and then fun again, and then agonizing again), roller coasters are really sucky places to try to, say, put in a contact lens, or sign a contract. In other words, you will not make competent decisions nor necessarily say or do things that reflect the real you during those times of high/low.

      Relationships that are CONSTANTLY high/low are very, very difficult in which to get your bearings — i.e. to try to figure out what you *really* feel and *really* think about someone. Figuring things out requires calm — space and time to think, time away from the other person where you are not in agony over being away from them. If your relationship does not afford you plentiful periods of calm — if you find it brutally exhausting because it’s one high/low right after the other — then that’s a sign that you are in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship.

      3. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, honesty, fairness and reasonable expectations in a relationship. “Everyone” would include you! Please don’t fall for the illusion that “love” equals putting up with constant mistreatment or selfish behavior from someone else. Love forgives and is kind, yes, but love is not a chump. Love, real love, can only come from an abundance inside of you, not a deficit (“I need her because she makes me feel ____.”) And that abundance is many things: wisdom that has come from experience, contentedness with yourself & who you are & where your life is at, a recognition that you are strong & resilient, and that you can actually have a pretty darn good & interesting life because of who YOU ARE, not because of who you are dating.

      4. Oh, the calling thing? Been there, done that. Almost all of us, in fact. It never works. When someone abruptly slams the door on you, or displays a lack of interest over time (and I’m talking longer than 2 days — women in particular seem to get itchy phone fingers after 48 hours), one of two things is going on. Either they are being manipulative and pulling a power play on you & testing to see whether you’ll pursue them … or … they are emotionally done (fed up — not interested — have someone else). To call them & pursue them at this point is not going to win them back for good. It may buy you a little more time with them. But it won’t make them yours. If they were yours, they would reciprocate without manipulation and without drama. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

      So. Now you have battle scars. And you know what that means, right? It means someday, years from now, you will be sitting around a table with your drinking buddies, displaying your battle scars like Captain Quint in Jaws … “those eyes, those black eyes, like a doll’s eyes …”

      jk :-)

      But yeah. Move forward with YOU — how you can learn & become better, wiser, stronger from this. It’s definitely doable. And every step you take forward is a step toward you becoming the right person for the girl who will be the right person for you.

      (“Don’t focus so much on finding the right person. Focus on becoming the right person.”)

    • Hi, Tony… I was reading your post and to my surprise I am going through the same situation than you, when I read your post I felt it was me writing it, because I feel exactly the same way with the difference that I really have a feeling that my ex went back with her ex. I tried emails, text, phone calls and I been ignore this whole time, I don’t understand how someone goes from loving you to hating you in a matter of days. I wish I can give you some advice, but I am in the same boat you are, I love the person that makes me feel guilty for everything all the time, loves to put me down in every single opportunity there is, and doesnt appreciate anything that I do in the other hand is always wanting more. My ex refuses to talk to me even though I tried so I guess that is making it a little bit easier because there is nothing I can do about it than to finally accept the relationship is over and that person never loved me, I was just convinient at the time. I still love this person with all my heart but part of me tells me that even if this person will come back my life would be a rollercoster like the whole year we were together because it was made it clear that nothing I did was good enough for the relationship. All I can tell you is that I know the pain you are going through right now, it feels like you wont be able to find anyone like that again, your world is crambling in front of you and you keep trying to go back to the relationship but the truth is that even if they come back to us they still are the same selfish people than before and the roller coster will start all over again until we stop it. If there is anything you want to talk about please let me know… I guess I am not the only one that is feeling this right now

  32. this article helped me but I still find it hard and struggle. I was with my boyfriend for nearly two years during university and only recently broke it off for good. He was the first boy I lost my virginity too so made it all the harder to leave. I lived with him and our seven male friends whom are our friends from college in a student house which I realise now it probably wasn’t the best decision I made. When I lived with him we argued and fought constantly which lead to lots of me walking out on my end. I felt like I didn’t matter to him, honestly. That I was just there for someone to come back to when he’d finished having fun with the guys. I broke up constantly with him, thinking if I left maybe he’d change, run after me, see what he’d loose but I was the one to always come back. I gave himto many chances, I kept lowering the bar because I thought if I treated him perfectly he would too. I moved out four weeks ago, In which time I realised just how easy it was to replace me. When I moved back to my parents he got distant, he hardly called, texted, at one point he didn’t even want to see me. The final breaking point for me. Why should I make the effort to somebody who wouldn’t even take a Twenty minute train to see me because it was “too much hassle”? I knew I couldn’t change him, I couldn’t make it work, he wouldn’t make the effort. Its been a week since we split up, in which time I stupidly begged for him to come back in which he responded to by getting his friend to bring a bag of my stuff into my work, it was heartbreaking. I can’t concentrate on my university work and I’m struggling to get myself out of bed or be happy and he’s perfectly fine. It’s so hard, I know I’m only young (21) but I feel like I’ve wasted so much on him, gave him everything with nothing to show in return. I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake with having sex with him, I wanted to be different and save myself for someone I thought I’d have a future with. I thought he was the one.

  33. I m married for 6 years. I just have birth. My husband is moving away from me. I don’t know y. I m confused. Pls help.

    • i’m sorry to hear that abi and I feel for you.

      it doesn’t matter why he’s acting that way. but please stay strong for your child. your baby needs you to be strong.

  34. I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend about two or three days.He was my first love.I really gave him all my love and my heart.One day he went on a trip from skul and came back and told me he has a new girlfriend.I was so devastated nd sad.I kept on asking myself why he hurts me lyk thiz.I was so stressed and kept crying the whole year.I jst cn’t let him go,itz been two years since i’ve seen him.I jst can’t let go of him.Many boyz ask me out,but i keep on pushing them away.I told myself that one day we gonna get bck togeda but itz nt happening.I still love him deeply,and i cn’t love ani1 els.Plz give me an advice

  35. Hello
    My ex boyfriend and I were together three years
    I fell in love with him deeply he constantly accused of me cheating . I never . He never felt mine would never commit to me.never told me he loved me played constant mind games. But I loved him and was always there for him . He finished with me in may saying he’d found someone else he was going to make it work with her . So I decided to rebuild my life although being devastated . I did slowly. Until a few weeks ago he started to message me saying .. Was I happy? He was trying to make it work with his lady but it wasn’t the same . He constantly thought of me and it was torcture . So I replied come and get me … I got back he can’t . I said why message me ? He replied . He was going to make it work he didn’t love me.
    So yet again I feel destroyed ? What’s the answer
    Please help

  36. When we are going through something, we think we are the only one but we all share the same and try to survive the sleepless nights.
    I have been dating a wonderful man for almost 6 months. He has been divorced for a while and when we met, I was out of a hurtful relationship. It took me time to start dating him. In between, I dated someone else, just to be dating and go out. It did not work out and my “present” boyfriend was still on my mind.
    We started dating and he was a wonderful man: affectionate, loving, caring and supportive. I am a Graduate student so at some point I really need time to focus on my work and get it done. He was there, patiently waiting for me.
    I feel bad because I did not recognize the good man that he was. I was still hurt because of my previous relationship and I developed insecurities. I lived in fear that he would leave me one day and I pushed him away. For example, I would not accept his compliments and I always wanted to make sure he was present.
    It has been two weeks that he is distancing himself: he does not call me as often and the calls are really short. He is too busy to do anything and he does not text as he used to. He came from a trip today and the only text I received is: “Hi there, I am back” and nothing else.
    I love him dearly but I cannot lie to myself. I cry myself to sleep everyday. I cannot function, I cannot work, I cannot sleep. I keep thinking that I pushed him away. I did the bad thing at the beginning, trying to ask him what was wrong, if he was still in the relationship. He said that he did not want to end it but his actions do not back up his words.
    I have to let him go but I cannot. In my sweetest dreams, he comes back but we know these things do not happen. What hurts more is that my ex used to same strategy (no call, no text, no nothing) to push me away. I feel that something is wrong with me. It hurts, it really hurts.

  37. Hi there,

    It took me a year to get over my boyfriend, whom I loved more than anything. Then he came back around & said he wanted to work it out, so I was all excited only to learn, no, it was a game. How do I stop thinking there is something wrong with me & accept he’s not the man I thought so I can move on from him finally?

  38. Hi,
    So I gave everything to my gf for the last almost 2 years. During the last 6-7 months she has been dramatically changing how she treats me. She started being distant, being mean, hurtful, shady with her phone and texts, lying, and cheating. I was paying for everything, rent, food, car, gas, everything… then I found out she had this plan to take all my money, our car, all our furniture, everything I worked so hard for and leave me for the guy she was cheating on me with. She was bragging to her slutty best friend (who the whole time was encouraging her to leave me so they could go party and rave together) that she was just using me, she never loved me, and that when she leaves me, she’s just going to use this guy until her and her slutty best friend can move in together. I was so heartbroken and distroyed!! I hate that I love my ex girlfriend. I couldnt believe how fake she could be for so long. kissing me at night when I got home from work, but being with this guy earlier. She is so cold and heartless. She is the devil. I dont know how I will ever trust a girl again, she has ruined me, and im moving back home to be with my family to try to find myself, but im scared I will never find THE RIGHT GIRL! how do you really let go and move on its sooo hard!

    • You start by learning to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t for her, it’s for you. And she doesn’t have to ask for it. Accept what happened. You are going to turn it over and over in your head for a long time trying to understand how it happened and why but at the end of the day, the question you really need to ask yourself is “What lesson did I learn?” There are almost always red flags and small indicators that things probably shouldn’t be a certain way, but then you just try harder to appease them and you give and you give and you give and keep lowering the bar because you think maybe they will come around and things will get better. I know because this is a lesson I’m learning. And in the end, I saw it coming all along. I thought if I gave him everything and all of me he would treat me better; but I was stupid and gave too much. So ask yourself, how long did you see something like this coming, what did you learn from it, and remind yourself that it’s not your fault and to try to free yourself from the pain, you must forgive. She doesn’t deserve to control any more of you life. Let her go so you can take it back.

      • I completely agree with amber. we keep lowering our bar to show how much in love we are with the person but they don’t care about it really.

    • hey kris

      you’re a great guy and there are a lot of women who will appreciate to have a caring guy like you who knows how to take care of his woman.

  39. I split up with my ex who has NPD about a month ago . We were together for a year and it was excruciating to be in love with someone who is incapable of feeling empathy or love . After many break ups and getting back together I became addicted to the toxic relationship and I’m having the hardest time letting go . Every other relationship I have been in when it wasn’t working we agreed and it was painful but I knew we still cared about each other . To know this guy is walking away without a second thought and that I am just an object he used and discarded of is so devastating I really do not know how to pick myself up and move on . I will try these techniques and may get therapy because the depression and devastation is almost unbearable . It’s so hard to take positive steps when your self esteem seems non existent . It’s amazing what damage someone with a pathological narcissistic personality disorder can do to another human . Unless you have been through it , I do not think most people understand . I pray for enlightenment and relief from unbelievable pain . Can not wait to come out the other side . It must be possible , right ?

    • I totally understand your situation with NPD – I am so grateful to be reading your comment. I am going through the same thing. You are not alone!

      And yes, these tips here are encouraging and the book recommendations are very helpful. I have read Breathnach’s book entitled Something More – a must read. I was sorry to let it go, no pun intended : ) I will now read Simple Abundance – thank you.

    • I went through same exact thing. Noone knows unless they been there.

      Its terrible thing to go through. Time passing ill help.

      Take Care

      PjD

  40. Still not over it after 3 years and continue to put this wall up.
    That break-up has changed me and i haven’t looked at women the same ever since. Not sure what’s wrong with me. But i feel as if i will be this way forever. I went through therapy and nothing seem to help. I still carry this anger and hurt how my ex betrayed me and completely walked away from me. Just amazes me how close you can be to someone and how they can change on you in a blink of an eye. My biggest problem is blaming myself and finding error within myself that something is wrong with me. What would make a person just walked away and never looked back ?! That’s mind blowing when this person supposedly loved you at one point. Well…..long periods of stress has took a toll on me with the loss of my mom and my ex which wasn’t far apart when it happen. My therapist told me since i went through tragic losses. I may be suffering from a chemical imbalance. It sucks…but aye life isn’t fair.

    • sorry to hear about your situation lequiency.

      the thing is that the betrayer had decided a long time ago to dump you, but they keep dragging the relationship until they find someone new.

      and when they do they drop you out of your life, and we’re left feeling shocked.

      so yeah, their decision of leaving you was made a long time ago, hence they feel nothing when they leave, and we’re left feeling shocked

  41. my ex bf dumped me and im having trouble letting go. He has completely cut me off and I know he wants to forget about me. this hurts tremendously. I secretly have hopes that we will get back together, but in my mind I know this is impossible. I really need to try to let go. I need to move on with my life.

  42. Dear Lisa, if my boyfriend was cheating and talking to other girls, then I’d let him go. There is something wrong if a guy says he loves you deeply, but can’t stop cheating on you. He wants the best of both worlds…and it’s up to you if you want to be one of his girlfriends. I’d take a break from the relationship, and start letting him go.

    Dear Sasi, sometimes it takes time to let go of someone you love. I don’t know how long it’s been since you and your boyfriend broke up, but I think it’s important to keep doing the things I mentioned in this article about letting go of love, and focus on healing and moving forward with your life.

    Letting go of someone you love is about acceptance, and willingness to trust that God has something better in store for you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • I need to let go of a 10 year on and off relationship. Nothing has change since I’ve known him. Looking at his history with woman has never been a commitment with none of them. Catching him in lies hurts and I need to move on with my life. I loss my mother 3 yrs ago and I guess I am afraid of being alone. I know I NEED to pray a give it to GOD, but I don’tknow what to pray for. I am so confused and need HELP!

  43. I feel stuck been with my bf for 2 yrs. throughout the relationship he has been cheating and constantly talks to other girls. I know he loves me deeply and tells me he is trying to change, therefore I don’t know whether to stick around for the change or to just let go? Please could you give me some advice

    • lisa, your man is looking for a new gf, he tells you he loves you because he wants to keep you around for company until he finds a new gf.

  44. Hey i m in love n my bf also luvs me bt he says he cant see his future wid me coz he wont be able to keep me happy which makes him helpless n sad. I dun knw wat i should do i have to study for post graduation but i m nt able to let him go.

    • sasi your bf is a sociopath. please google more about “sociopath lover” and you’ll see how they’ll manipulate you into staying until they find their next lover.

  45. My girlfriend and I were engaged had a perfect relationship then one day she just decided she needs space doesn’t want a relationship. She says she needs to find herself. I’m having the hardest time letting go.

    • Dear Jessi,

      Thank you for being here, and sharing how difficult it is to let go of someone you love. It sounds like your relationship felt great to you, but your girlfriend wasn’t ready to settle down.

      My husband and I were friends for 17 years before we got married. Our marriage is stronger because we took time to find ourselves first! It’s possible that when your girlfriend figures out who she is and what she wants out of life, she’ll come back to you.

      I don’t want to encourage you to hold on to the past or have false hope for the future….just accept this moment, and prepare your mind and heart for anything that may happen.

      Blessings,
      Laurie

  46. I received an email from a reader, who asked how people can just stop loving other people.

    My thought is that they don’t just stop loving. I think there are other things going on that motivate them to break things off, ask for no contact, etc. I am 100% sure my sister still loves me – and I suspect whoever you are trying to let go of still has feelings for you. But for some reason, life is easier for them without us. It’s hard, but…it is what it is.

    Acceptance. That’s the key to happiness, and to letting go of someone you love.

    About sharing your story of being rejected or left — it really is embarrassing to reveal ourselves, isn’t it? If you haven’t read Brene Brown’s books on shame and vulnerability, I encourage you to read them asap. There is so much freedom in being real and vulnerable.

  47. Hi Laurie,

    This is another excellent article. Thank you for all the wonderful advice.

    Rachelle

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